If you've read anything at all about me then you'll be aware of my 23 year long battle with alcohol abuse, namely vodka. It has cost me almost everything and has caused untold distress to those close to me, an avenue that I don't discuss.
Having pushed things as far as I could without actually dying by drinking two bottles of vodka daily for the majority of last five years as an 'active' alcoholic I have learned more than a thing or two. I never have and never will profess to being 100% sober. Putting a mountain like that in front of oneself is tempting fate.
One of the major things that I have learned over the last two or so years is that people rarely give genuine responses. It is almost impossible to gauge this on the internet, but not quite. I'll get to that shortly.
Returning to the title of this entry I temporarily re-discovered so many people who seemed to have vanished during my darkest times. In no way am I blaming them for this. Who would want to see a shuffling, bloated zombie who used to be the life of the party, whether it was a party or not? So far gone was I that I didn't notice. I rarely left the house and my phone was constantly off the hook. I was quite content (so I thought) listening to Warren Zevon, Dylan, The Stones an so forth at full blast with a cup of vodka in one hand, cigarette in the other gazing at the rather scenic view from my window.
On more than one occasion I 'woke up' to find myself in hospital, wondering why I had a beard and tubes hanging out of me. These occurrences became life-threateningly closer together.
It wasn't until a few months after I had moved back to my parents house in Stanley on Tasmanias' far North-West coast in April 2007 and was 'stable' enough to do something musical again that I began recording. Very soon after this I was doing rather well on the internet and was actually selling some physical CDs too.
Then came the 'friends' who had vanished all full of praise, pats on the back and so forth. I've never been one to manage compliments well; I get embarrassed. What else can one say to a compliment except "Thank you?"
Having played in bands since the age of 16 I've become almost immune to compliments and insults alike....almost. These long-lost friends really got up my nose. It takes a lot to irritate me to the point of responding but I have. Firstly I don't reply to them at all online. I also don't take their calls. Most commonly I respond in more than a few of my songs. It's usually a single line or word that only they will know about. This is generally followed by loud bleating almost to the point of hilarity. The wiser ones say and do nothing. I like that.
I was particularly annoyed when asked to attend a barbeque or some such gathering and "...play a few songs..." or "....can I have a copy of your new CD?" Is it just me or was I quite within my rights to remind them that I hadn't seen them for several years and that I wasn't a f***in' puppet?
As far as the internet goes, it's too easy to click a button to 'like' something or type a few words to that effect. Equally, it is just as easy to badmouth an individual without their knowledge.....for a while. Eventually, search-engines and 'Google alerts' trip people up without them even knowing. Anything written on the net can pop up at the most unexpected times.
Even something someone might say can trip them up internet-wise. Case in point: Just last week I was in the supermarket. A young girl who knows my parents but not me literally corners me and says (loudly), "I love your new album, Bob!" I could only assume that she was referring to "Catharsis." As a joke I asked her how much she paid for it (there is only one price). The dumbfounded look on her face and the deafening silence saw me shuffle off smirking in search of eggs.
It's all very well to congratulate someone but I guess my horrific experience with alcohol abuse has made me somewhat cynical and reluctant with regard to the actual sincerity of compliments. They're a terribly difficult thing to quantify. Those who know me know full-well that what may sound a rather negative blog entry is far from it. It's intent is to let people know that I still treat compliments with suspicion and at best, even at 42 years of age, I still do get embarrassed by them. Luckily not too many folks get to see me blush these days.
"Do you take me for such a fool,
to think I'd make contact,
with one who tries to hide
what it don't know to begin with." (Bob Dylan).
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Good onya Bob sounds like your bullshit detector is working fine looking out from 4th street
ReplyDeleteYou're on a roll Bobby!
ReplyDeleteThe more I know about the BUSINESS, the more ignorant I feel. Just sitting around listening to the radio, and not having any idea the blood sweat & tears that goes along with MAKING THE MUSIC. Keeping it coming, and EDUCATE me! ;-)
Hi Bob! Very well expressed, heartfelt, and thought-provoking. I don't understand why human nature is what it is, and people often behave the way they do. Avoidance is one way people deal with situations they do not know how to handle. I know that it is hard to go through the dark times alone. A true friend does not desert another when they are down. But I guess that is where the term "fairweather friends" come in. My wise mama once quoted to me that if a person had as many true friends that can be counted on one hand, they were very blessed. I have found her words true. She also always told me when I was down that it is always darkest before the dawn. I tell myself that now that she is gone, and may I add she was a true friend and more!!!! So my point...your in your dawn!!!! That is probably one good point of the dark times, they seem to bring about a great flow of creativity afterward and inspire great works of the heart. Maybe because of the deep emotions that are opened like a floodgate at that time. Maybe because the alone time sometimes causes great reflection. I do not believe you are cynical at all. You are disgusted by facades because you know first-hand about being let down. It is wonderful that you have found sobriety and are also wise to know that it is one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing these gripping blogs and creating your wonderful music!!!! Constructive rather than destructive!!!
This is my 3rd attempt to post...I hope this one takes. Hopefully I make sense...somehow trying to rewrite loses the first feel of the first attempt.
All the best always to you, Bob!!!
You make a whole lot of sense, Dawn. Thanks for your words of experience and optomism.
ReplyDelete